1. You no longer snigger when you see grown women walking around with their hair in plaits.
3. The first thing you do upon entering a bank/post office/chemist etc. is to look for the queue number machine.
4. You accept that you will have to queue to take a queue number.
5. When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume:
a: he is drunk
b: he is insane
c: he's an American
11. The reason you take the ferry to Finland is:
a: duty free vodka
b: duty free beer
c: to party hearty...no need to get off the boat in Helsinki, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Sweden.
12. Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.
14. A sharp intake of breath has become part of your vocabulary, as has the sound ”Jah hahh”
15. Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to "eat medicine", "open the television", "close the lights off", “take a beer”, ”look upon everything” and tell someone to “follow with me” or "you needn't to!" You start to say “for 2 years ago” and expressions like "Don't panic" creep into your everyday language.
16. You associate pea soup with Thursday.
23. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the phone directory seems right.
24. Your old habit of being "fashionably late" is no longer acceptable. You are always on time.
25. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay
28. You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:
a: they are drunk
b: they are Finnish
c: they are American
d: all of the above
30. You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
31. You eat herring in 105 ways.
38. You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with sandals.
39. Indoors you wear sandals with socks, regardless of the season.
40. You no longer correct people who say MAC Donald's.
43. You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed."
44. You enjoy the taste of surströmming and lutfisk.
49. You eat jam with savory dishes
51. You accept that 80 degrees C in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees C outside is freaking hot.
53. It no longer seems excessive to spend 1,000kr on alcohol in a single night
57. Having to book seat numbers at a cinema makes perfect sense. And you sit in your booked seat even if there are only 2 other people there and your seat is in the front row, on the side.
60. Someone calls you a ”good moron” first thing in the morning and you smile acknowledgement.
63. You associate Friday afternoon with a trip to systembolaget.
64. You think nothing of paying $50 for a bottle of 'cheap' spirits at systembolaget
65. You know all of the “telephone times” by heart.
73. You wear warm clothing when it's 25 degrees plus in April - because it's April.
74. You wear shorts and t-shirt when it's barely 10 degrees in July - because it's July.
75. You get extremely annoyed when the bus is two minutes late.
76. You think women are more than equal than men and deserve to have better positions in the work place.
81. You've been engaged for four years and don't have any plans to get married.
83. You and your friends know exactly the same information, and have the same attitudes and beliefs in the value of Social Democracy.
85. You think that if you smoke a joint you will wind up in an insane asylum. [or become a habitual criminal]
90. You think black rimmed glasses are cool. Your wardrobe now consists of 20 different shades of black and grey.
89. You stop explaining to people what Christmas Crackers are and accept that they aren't - at least in Sweden
94. You don't question the concept of 'telephone time'. It seems reasonable that no business can be conducted on Friday afternoons. [or the entire month of July]
95. You assume that anyone who apologizes after bumping into you is a tourist.
96. You feel discomfort if you can't find the nummerlap machine.
97. You reach for your pocket 20 times a day as mobile phones ring all around you.
98. You actually care if your mobile phone meets the fashion standard - and so do your new Swedish friends.
99. It seems reasonable that even those begging for money at T-centralen reach for their pocket as the melodic music of the Swedish mobile phone resounds.
100. You get into a Mercedes taxi cab and think nothing of it
101. Paying $6 for a cup of coffee seems reasonable.
102. You understand that when a colleague asks you out for "a drink," it will probably be a long night with a severe hangover the next day.
103. You start to think that having a sauna in the nude with a bunch of strangers is a necessary part of daily life ... and a necessary part of business.
104. You start to differentiate between types of snow.
107. You become extremely skilled at assembling pre-packaged furniture kits.
109. You get to the movies early so that you can watch the commercials.
114. Your shed becomes the first stage in the recycling process and you can't get in it for bags of paper/cardboard/bottles, refundable glass/plastic, recyclable glass/plastic/ containers/etc.
116. When offered a bottle of beer the first thing you look at is the alcoholic percentage.
120. You use the alcohol percentage-per-kroner standard for measuring the quality of beer and wine.
121. You think it is normal EVERYTHING is regulated and you obey the rules voluntarily.
133. Even you can hear your own accent.
134. When someone asks you for "sex" you assume they mean half-a-dozen.
137. You expect to find the glove you dropped in February hanging on a post in June
138. Bringing dead sticks indoors at Easter and hanging colored feathers on them seems a good way to celebrate spring.
139. Pigs say ”nerf nerf”, frogs say ”kvack, kvack” and roosters say ”kuckeliku”
140. You immediately think that a bottle of wine contains 75cl, and a carton of cream is 3dl. And you can’t for the life of you remember just what 500ml is in dl or cl.
142. You talk of –10C as ”10 degrees cold”, when in Australia +10C would be considered cold. And who else calls +1C, ”one degree warm”!
143. You know that ”Extrapris” goods are cheaper, even though your English mind translates the word as ”extra price”
144. You will squeeze past somebody rather than say excuse me.
146. The first thing you do in the morning is to switch on your car heater.
150. A fun way for people to pass a wintry afternoon is to watch a Bandy match outdoors when it's minus 20 degrees.
151. Everybody has an outdoor thermometer at home and they all compare temperatures when they get to work.
153. You ringed somebody yesterday instead of you rang them.
154. Your husband is very long instead of being very tall
158. You pour filmjölk (soured milk) on your Kellogg's Frosties.
176. You think nothing of spending all day at IKEA looking for a piece of furniture and then spending the whole next day putting it together.
179. You can't throw a plastic bottle away with out having a guilty conscience.
181. You not only order a pizza with asparagus, banana and béarnaise sauce on it, but you actually like it and wonder why they don't offer it back in Australia.
183. You find yourself munching on Kalles Kaviar and hårdbröd at 3 A.M.
184. You get used to hotdogs being called sausage and you eat them as the "meat" part of a meal without a bun.
187. You hide 5 or 6 bottles of spirits in your suitcase, one or two in your backpack, and put just one in the duty free shopping bag.
188. You think horse meat is a totally acceptable sandwich topping.
189. You think there is nothing wrong with planning Christmas around Kalle Anka (Donald Duck).
190. You don't even think about what you are saying when you are off to the shop to buy your favorite brand of cat food, and you say, "Be right back love, I'm just gonna go get some Pussi"
191. You start calling Coke "cola".
192. You get up for a cigarette at 2 AM in July and put on your sunglasses first.
193. You have 53 different recipes for strömming and you're about ready to clip number 54 from Dagens Nyheter.
197. You know the words to more than one 'snapsvisa' and sing them without difficulty.
199. You would never ever even consider using a metal knife on the butter.
202. When visiting others you try to go in first. If it's locked THEN you ring the doorbell.
203. While visiting England someone gives you directions and says, "It's about 5 miles down the road." You in turn ask, "Are you talking Swedish miles or English miles?"
204. You start spelling the days of the week in lowercase! monday, tuesday....
205. You find that you can't spell in English anymore. You now replace C with K. Like panik, automatik, seasik, arithmetik.... and you try to remember does papper/paper have one or two p’s in English?
206. You no longer make appointments, but instead you book times.
207. You read text instead of sub-titles.
217. You can identify the people on Big Brother and Expedition Robinson.
219. You can name the toppings of at least ten different pizzas just by name (which is coincidentally more than the pizza-baker can himself)
222. You ask for a Big Mac and company outside of Sweden.
224. Someone cuts you off on the freeway and instead of giving them the finger; you simply mumble "eedeeyout" under your breath.
226. You no longer think it odd that you talk to your kids in English and they answer in Swedish.
229. You say “I’m almost annoyed” when you’re as furious as humanly possible.
233. People buy you a drink in November because they remember when you bought them one in March.
234. You have no idea what "The X-files" is but you watch "Arkiv X" as soon as it's on TV.
242. You refer to weeks by their number.
243. You carefully dissect the restaurant bill so you know to the exact kr. how much everybody owes.
244. You know the catalogue numbers of all of your favorite wines at Systembolaget.
245. It's May. It's 15C degrees. And you're stretched out on your balcony in your bikini trying to get a head start on your tan.
248. England, Scotland and Wales can all be called England.
250. If you meet someone you haven't seen in ages you just stay right where you are chatting away even if that happens to be in the doorway of a very busy department store.
252. Christmas presents are opened somewhere between Donald Duck and "Karl-Bertil Jonsson" on Christmas Eve. Whoever heard of doing it the morning of Christmas Day?
253. If no TV station airs "Ivanhoe" on Christmas Day you become extremely irritated.
254. You just have to watch "Grevinnan och betjänten" on New Years Eve.
260. You find it reasonable that reviews of non-Swedish movies with a Swedish actor in them should use at least half of the space available to discuss how good or bad the actor was in it, even if he had just one line.
262. You watched "The Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones" just to see Pernilla August.
265. You don't get surprised when kids come trick-or-treating during Easter, all dressed up like witches.
266. You don't find it odd to find movies with a "translated" title. It's perfectly normal for a movie to get a completely different English title than the one it has in the rest of the world.
269. You use the word "or" as a question.
272. You think it's normal that people take shoes in a bag to the theatre
278. You remember to buy the weekend grog supply before 5.00pm on Friday
279. It is your birthday YOU have to make the cake
281. You start collecting travel brochures and talking of trips to tacky places like Gran Canaria just for a fix of sun.
282. You agree to pay 500kr for a basic hair trim.
284. the most interesting report on the news is the weather.
285. You start to believe that everything in Sweden is actually good.
286. When you say good bye to someone you depart by saying 'Have it so good'
287. When you make a mistake or an accident happens you say 'It was not the meaning'.
289. You get annoyed when you realize you have to say “not too much and not too little” instead of “lagom”.
290. You either run for the last pendeltåg at 1 am or choose to party on until 5 am when they start again rather than endure the horrific night bus home, as a taxi ride would require taking out a 2nd mortgage.
292. You find yourself eating bay-con for breakfast and talking about Bill Clin-ton and taking a trip to Lon-don.
293. Anything good and in particular food is “giant good”.
294. ICA is not I.C.A - it's eeka.
295. The wash cottage is not a holiday resort but a very competitive environment, where the rules should never be broken and in particular never go over your time by even a minute or you risk a lot of sucking and muttering from the next in line.
296. A recipe for drugs is not instructions on how to make them.
297. Gift is not a present but it could be dangerous (whether it is poison or marriage)
301. When talking about centuries the Swedes all seem to be a hundred years behind.
303. You know what 'What seventeen' means.
304. Swedes saying Va' to you is still annoying (even after ten years), not to mention that there is no real word for please, or?
307. You eat pizza with a knife and fork.
308. You only leave the country to stockpile cheap alcohol.
312. You no longer find this list funny, just painfully true.
313. You know the names of two or more Swedish ministers.
314. You get excited when you hear someone speaking English.
323. You put both jam and cheese on toast and call it breakfast.
324. You were excited when Kalles Kaviar released "Kalles Randiga".
325. You eat caviar from a tube.
329. Your wallet contains more plastic than a Hollywood superstar.
332. You make liberal use of compound words never heard of by Webster or Roget.
337. In chess, you refer to the knight as a horse, the rook as a tower, and the pawns as farmers or peasants.
339. You feel a certain sense of pride when you see Swedish people in films or on foreign TV shows.
340. Drinking is the fundamental pillar of your social network, be it coffee or alcohol.
342. A “big strong one” is a beer.
345. When someone asks you "Hi, how are you?" you actually take time out to explain how you are.
346. You automatically try to dress the same as everyone else.
347. You know the words to the frog song.
348. When you stop converting Swedish crowns into your native currency.
349. You are no longer surprised when you see full-frontal male nudity in a commercial or on TV.
350. You make fun of tourists.
358. It seems sensible that you need to be at least 25 to buy a bottle of red wine.
361. When you see that the time is 3.30 and you say it’s "half TO four" (halv fyra)
363. You think there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.
372. Pronouncing Euro as “Evro” makes sense.
374. You're complaining in January not because it's minus 10 degrees, but because there's no snow.
375. Your house is starting to look like the showcase to IKEA.
390. When you reply 'Yes, thank you' when people ask you how you are. (Hur är det? Jo tack.)
399. You start thinking about the weekend on Wednesday morning.
400. YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIVE ANYWHERE BUT IN SWEDEN!!!!
By Lovain
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